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Is it better to speak and stand up for yourself, at the painful cost that is hurting the one you hold close? Would your dignity be a better price to pay over the everlasting weight of the heaviest price that is guilt?

People who find it hard to pull themselves up in situations like these; the zealots of being devoted to others, are commonly termed as “people pleasers”. Being the carriers of way too much empathy and compassion that they are known to be, it is truly challenging for them to want more than the title of being “a good person”. But really, what does it actually mean to be a good person or to be morally right? 

Besides the effects people-pleasing tendencies have on a person’s mental health, there may be various other results that actually impact the way someone actually lives. The biggest example of this is in the workplace. The more work an individual takes on, just for the sake of a promotion, or for the sake of earning a place in the office, the more the ones who are capable of getting things done nonetheless decide it’s their time to sit back and pass the ship’s anchor to them. 

People pleasers often place their needs last and prioritise others over themselves. They go above and beyond in a quest to seek everyone’s approval. But this often leads to them losing their own identities in the process. The consequences of maintaining such poor boundaries also include self-neglect, burnout as well as emotional exhaustion. 

But what causes people to have this overwhelming need to please? Is there a root to this kind of behaviour? Sometimes pleasing people may be a learnt trait and find its roots in one’s childhood. This can be seen especially when they were rewarded for compliance when they were children. 

If you were raised in a manner where love felt conditional, you would’ve likely learnt that you only gain people’s approval once you meet their expectations. People-pleasing may also stem from a fear of rejection, conflict or abandonment. Oftentimes we mistake people-pleasing for kindness. However, while kindness is a choice, people-pleasing is more of a compulsion, a habit people find difficult to break out of, driven more by fear than generosity. Some people-pleasers may have horrible self worth, wherein they don’t trust their own judgements. In such cases, they try to appease others in order to seek external validation. But this is quite detrimental to their self-image, which would fluctuate based on how others perceive them. People-pleasing is a traditionally passed down role in some cultures especially for women. In such families, women are raised to be soft-spoken and agreeable in order to be a “good daughter or wife”.

For the people who find “no” almost impossible to say, it might feel daunting to break out of the habit. How can such people overcome people-pleasing?

Firstly, it is crucial to be aware of your patterns; notice when you’re saying yes out of fear rather than generosity. Afterwards, you can slowly build small boundaries, beginning with saying no in low stake situations. Saying no to protect your time and energy isn’t being selfish, it means you’re finally choosing what’s healthy for yourself. You could also try pausing before you commit, saying you’ll mull it over before saying your usual reflexive yes. It’s also necessary to not associate your worth with external validation. Try having goals, hobbies and routines which helps you build a sense of self on your own terms. Lastly, it’s important to be patient with yourself, and understand while it may feel uncomfortable or difficult at first, every “no” you say eventually helps you build healthier habits.

Sometimes you come across a situation where you’ve already got too much work on your hands and then that one friend that always needs your help shows up, because “you’re always the one I can depend on”. The obvious answer would be to tell them to “maybe do your own work for once dude”. Right? Because that’s what people pleasers should do to get over their problem. If you do genuinely think that, then I fear you may be taking this article in the wrong direction. For obvious reasons, do not do that. You truly overcome your problems when you realise that you can be kind without burying your own needs.

At the end of the day, the fact to grasp is people do not always stick with you, whether by choice or circumstance. When it comes to the times that actually matter, when you come to the path where you have a choice, the choice that benefits yourself may not always be the selfish one. Sometimes, it is simply the healthier one. And to be healthy is to be strong, and to be strong is anything but selfish. 

*The statistics collected are based on multiple answers to each question in the survey.